It took me a while. A year and a half after Sandi’s death. I was not looking for anyone. Someone found me anyway.

I reconnected with somebody i went to high school with. She is also on disability, so that made it easier. Her kindness and generosity inspire me.

Partly it made me feel bad that I hadn’t seen it in her before. But I hadn’t ever really considered a romantic partner in people I went to high school with — i just wasn’t there yet, socially, in those days . Maybe i should’ve stayed in my hometown after college; maybe that would’ve made it easier.

Sure, i wouldn’t have seen anything of the country. But was it really worth it? It was interesting. But it was also a little sad. (No, staying would have made me miserable. It was worth it, the journey.)

Living life involves experiencing some pain, and i can only take so much of it.

How do i feel about having another girlfriend after Sandi? Finally, i feel good about it.

~

I haven’t written much at all in the last few weeks: i’ve been busy falling in love.

Happiness is more important than writing. Do what you can to bring joy into your life — that’s all i will say about it (for the moment).

Love is always a good plot motivator. You can get a character to do basically anything in the name of love; because people do, all the time — they’re that susceptible.

~

What do i do now that sex isn’t my primary motivator? That’s what kept me going all those years. What am i without it? Is there a non-binary me?

~

Now i feel old.

My sex drive is still going strong, but my body can’t keep up anymore. Maybe that’s why i wasn’t afraid to *not* have another lover.

But maybe i can still fall in love. Not naming names yet; it’s too new. (But my friends know.)

The question is: Can love still motivate me to do crazy, inadvisable things? It probably can; it probably will.

I am now, however, a little afraid of the insane things i will willingly do in pursuit of love. Do i push past that fear and keep living? Yes, yes i will.

(Now i just have to work up the courage to talk to my doctor about adding another medication to my prescription list. It’s no fun getting old.)

~

I did not go looking for another happy ending to this book. The happy ending was supposed to be me finding Sandi, getting married, and having some version of a normal life (with the accompanying loss).

But maybe i was selling myself short; maybe there’s another chapter of life to write — an incredible chapter!

(And maybe i can just live this chapter, instead of writing a lot about it.)

I suppose this is what i get for living my life as a story: a surprise ending. Maybe nobody else is surprised but me, and i should have seen this coming.

Maybe i was happy to be done with the story. Life is exhausting, after all. But part of me wasn’t willing to let it go.

Sandi would have wanted me to keep going. She would have wanted me to maximize joy in my remaining years. And she knew that i was already a little insane in my pursuit of life.

Here’s to crazy times!

Sometimes you can write what you want to write; but a lot of the time you write what you have to write. Whatever comes out, comes out.

I am not a very careful writer. I feel something, write it down, and try to move on.

Writing has become a way of me dealing with things, day-to-day. Call it emotional abstraction; call it compartmentalization; call it what you will. It helps.

But then you get to a certain point in your life, and you don’t know what to do anymore. What then?

~

Think about the smell of pencil shavings fresh from a pencil sharpener; now imagine what flavor of ice cream that reminds you of.

[Go ahead, give an AI that command.]

~

What drives you? What motivates you every day to get out of bed and do stuff? What’s your purpose in life — you as an individual — that’s what i’m interested in.

~

Writing is just words. Talking with someone IRL, it’s an exchange of words and emotions and pheromones and physical presence.

~

You can’t solve every problem; you don’t have to try. Some questions don’t have answers; it’s not your fault.

~

Better Off will probably be a more reflective book than anomaly was: more big picture. The tone should be less show-off-y.

The purpose of writing anomaly was for me to find love again, i suppose. And the point of Better Off will be to underscore the importance of having an optimistic interpretation of life (especially after finding new love!).

I have it pretty good, no question.

But it’s easy to want the wrong things, paths that i’ve already traveled or avenues i don’t need to explore. Mostly it’s not giving in to impulsive desires, fleeting nonsense. Do i really need to live near the ocean, or can i just visit occasionally? (Or better yet, just tune into the Salisbury Sunrises YouTube channel on a regular basis.)

Having money again, i have more temptations. So i have to exercise my limited self-control. I can help some of my friends, but not all of them all the time. I can finally buy some things for myself that i might not have otherwise; but i don’t need much.

It’s not so bad being a widower — i go out on just as many dates as i ever did when i was single (that is, almost none). I was never any good at asking people out; i have no idea how i managed to be involved with as many women as i did. I guess it was all the hanging around at cafés that did it. (Which probably also explains why i couldn’t find a serious relationship for so long — that’s not what people who go to cafés are generally looking for; maybe i just wasn’t ready yet, either.)

Seems i have so much to be thankful for, since i’m happily retired and still in good shape health-wise: it should feel like Thanksgiving all year long! Even if i’m alone now, i still feel like the luckiest person on Earth.

And i was truly blessed to have been married to Sandi; it was clearly the high point of my life. Taking care of a person at the end of their journey — that was my purpose; that’s what i was meant to do. I spent my whole life getting ready to be there for her final year. That was the whole point. We gave each other’s lives purpose and meaning.

Everyone in my life, i am better off because of them. Every single thing that’s happened, i am better off because of it. The good and the bad, the easy and the difficult; it was all necessary.

It just took my whole life going by for me to see it.

Thank you.

I wish i could say it was worth it, but sometimes it has not been. It’s a mixed bag at best, life. I do not personally recommend it.

But it’s not like you get a choice. You’re born and then you have to do something with your life. It’s frustrating at times … and disappointing.

Stuff does not happen the way you think it is going to. You can’t depend on people or anything else long term; it’s all fleeting.

I was fortunate to find love when i did, even if it didn’t last. I got 13 years of the good stuff; and i guess that’s more than some people get, so i’m thankful.

Now, my memory is fading. I don’t remember books i’ve read or movies i’ve seen or not seen. It doesn’t really matter. Maybe after a while i will not even notice.

Sometimes it hurts more to remember something and be able to write about it than it would hurt to not be able to remember that thing at all.

But at least re-watching TV shows is a lot more fun — i’m watching The Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon again (both of which Sandi & i watched faithfully), but most of the episodes seem brand new! Thank you, TBI.

As a kid, my role model was the character Ford Prefect (in the Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series). So what did you expect, really.?

Drink a lot. Dance with women.

Ford Prefect’s mantra was to always have as good of a time as possible. Pretty simple.

Hitchhiker’s became my guide to life. My bible. The message? Relax. Don’t Panic.

I was cool with that as a kid. Forty years later, and i’m still cool with it.

The term America can refer to the continents of North and South America.

Another similar term is the New World.

[Google]

“

The American continent (the Americas) comprises 35 independent countries divided into North America (including Central America and the Caribbean) and South America, stretching from the Arctic to the Antarctic circles.

Key nations include the United States, Canada, Mexico, and Brazil, with a total population exceeding 1 billion people.

North America (including Central America & Caribbean) 

• Antigua and Barbuda
• The Bahamas
• Barbados
• Belize
• Canada
• Costa Rica
• Cuba
• Dominica
• Dominican Republic
• El Salvador
• Grenada
• Guatemala
• Haiti
• Honduras
• Jamaica
• Mexico
• Nicaragua
• Panama
• Saint Kitts and Nevis
• Saint Lucia
• Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
• Trinidad and Tobago
• United States 

South America

• Argentina
• Bolivia
• Brazil
• Chile
• Colombia
• Ecuador
• Guyana
• Paraguay
• Peru
• Suriname
• Uruguay
• Venezuela 

Key Territories/Regions

• Central America: Belize, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Panama.
• Northern America: Canada, US, Greenland, Bermuda, St. Pierre and Miquelon.
• Non-Self-Governing Territories: Including Greenland, Puerto Rico, Aruba, and various Caribbean islands.

”

[This is a difficult topic; my emotions are still in the way. These pages are in flux and need to be joined up with others.]

Sometimes i have fallen in love with the wrong person. When friendship and sex overlap, i tend to have trouble. With Rabbit, i *so* wanted to be strong enough to not want a traditional romance; but i was not strong enough.

It became one hell of a friendship, and it lasted for something like ten years. My life is still sprinkled with Rabbit-influences and Rabbit-memories.

We first met at a café in Tempe AZ, and i quickly knew i was a goner. From the beginning, we spent days together; and i was in heaven. At Rabbit’s sincere urgings, we agreed to just be friends.

Watching movies and various Star Trek reruns on old TVs. Finding pleasure in massage. Long talks about sexuality and relationships. Comforting each other when relationships went bad. Cat-sitting. Helping each other move between apartments. Going on medical appointments together. Reading each other’s writing. Just being there for each other when we needed it.

I moved to Durango CO with a new romance (and her young child); but that relationship wouldn’t last, and i ended up living elsewhere in town. When it was time for Rabbit’s final year of college, they helped me move back to Tempe.

Meanwhile i had started writing my first book, anomaly, about me jumping off the bridge at Cornell. Rabbit read relevant parts of it and gave me feedback.

I look back at this period now and feel really good about it — i was becoming the person i am today. My writing took off, and i continued working on anomaly and also published a monthly zine called The Moon for six months. I took a few more classes at ASU — Critical Theory and some linguistics (History of English and/or Syntax 2) from a professor i still see (remotely) in a Syntax reading group in 2026.

Rabbit helped lead monthly pagan celebrations at our house with grad-student Religious Studies friends (including meetings of the Church of all Worlds, a group inspired by Robert Heinlein’s novel Stranger in a Strange Land). It was such a blast, staying up all night on the solstices and participating in pagan rituals (and drinking mead)!

But time went by and eventually Rabbit graduated; soon they were headed back east for grad school. I guess i was done with Tempe.

My father flew out to Phoenix; we drove up to Flagstaff and took the train all the way home to Massachusetts. Then a trip out to Ithaca NY for my 10-year class reunion at Cornell; i’d also sublet an apartment there for the summer — cheap, in those days. A whole summer of fun, back at my old school. (Rabbit even visited, and we went to dinner at the famous Moosewood Restaurant!)

Back at my new apartment in Southborough MA, i knew i still had feelings for Rabbit, so i got more practice at hiding them. Visiting Rabbit meant taking a commuter train into Boston; but it was worth it, and we had some more good years out of the friendship.

One summer i got to sublet a room in the apartment that Rabbit shared with two others. There were multiple massage tables in different rooms, and i got to indulge my enjoyment of giving & receiving massages with a variety of people — dancers, friends, & street performers; the place had a great queer hippy vibe. It was one hell of a summer, and i stored up a ton of memories. Sadly, though, i could never bring myself to have a proper discussion of my long-unrequited love for Rabbit; it was just too difficult.

After that that i moved back to Southborough and took more classes at Framingham State College — Creative Writing and Computer Programming in Java 1 & 2. At the local Starbucks i met this woman, Margot. We saw each other a few times at Starbucks, and at first she wasn’t that interested in me romantically.

But then i went back for a weekend in Boston — more cat-sitting for Rabbit — and Margot heard about the massages & the hippy vibe. Now she wanted to go out with me! I met Margot’s 8-year-old child and soon moved in; it was all a little crazy.

[More on Margot later.]

Rabbit eventually moved to San Francisco, after their Master’s Degree was finished; and we fell more & more out of touch … and i guess our ways of thinking fell out of step.

I don’t really know what happened, but i’m sure i shared responsibility for it. I know Margot was jealous of the way i’d felt about Rabbit, and the new relationship with Margot put a damper on the friendship with Rabbit. Some fractures cannot be healed. Some friendships don’t last.

I really wish i could have talked to Rabbit as Sandi was dying (or during the next year of grieving). But i guess our friendship had decayed too far. They had moved on.

Goodbye, old friend.

Whenever i’m processing difficult emotions, i tend to transfer & associate those emotions with whatever music happens to be on. When i hear those songs again, however many years later, the emotions just come pouring out; it’s out of my control. After the TBI, my most common reaction to hearing such a song is to cry — so if you’re ever with me and i’m crying, it’s probably from music.

Just before my suicide attempt, i was learning to play ‘Summer, Highland Falls’ on the piano (it’s an older Billy Joel song, from 1974). Hearing it now (or even thinking about it, sometimes) is almost guaranteed to make me cry.

(Here’s a link to a 1995 performance) https://youtu.be/vvOnuPYiUzw?si=QFUf_2T-FpuC5VGs

~

Unthinking uniformity tends to be a tool of fascism: diversity and difference tend to encourage freedom and free expression.

~

Some days i just don’t feel like writing. Some days i don’t feel like doing anything. Maybe this whole writing-a-sequel-to-my-first-book idea is ill-conceived. We’ll see.

~

Part of what The Big Bang Theory TV show is about is the emptiness & the disappointment of having eidetic memory and simultaneously being the highest form of genius: sometimes those are bad things, not good things; Sheldon’s life is not easily a happy one.

~

How tempting is it to revise history? Switching the movie that I saw with my friend Tracey (in college) to “Good Morning, Vietnam” from “Field of Dreams” … very tempting. (I really wish it had been Good Morning, Vietnam — such a better movie. But you can’t change the past.)

~

My advice?
Flirt with people a little.
Even if you’re the wrong gender, it’s always nice to be flirted with.
What else is life for?

~

And getting back to The Big Bang Theory, both it and the series Young Sheldon were both favorites for Sandi and me. I recently bought the DVD box sets and i’m watching both series again; it’s like spending time with Sandi in my imagination. And there are a bunch of episodes that i do not remember at all!

Back when i had really nice legs, i used to wear skirts & dresses. It was fun! It served many purposes — primarily it discouraged undesirable elements from talking to me at the café.

My time with Rabbit had introduced me to the queer community, and i really liked it. I wasn’t especially queer myself, but i really liked the community.

Cross-dressing was an effective method of screening out people, but it also attracted a lot of curious women. It was my chance to be a little funky, finally. It was a conversation-starter.

My years in Tempe AZ, living on the edge of the campus of Arizona State University, were ones of figuring out who the hell i was. I went to Rabbit’s “Bi-Necessity” meetings about bisexuality. I played a supportive role, as a (fairly) straight outsider.

And i brought the cross-dressing to Durango CO, where Ladies Night at a local club included free admission for cross-dressing guys. Was a *lot* of fun!

But i was never trying to pass as a woman; i was more interested in whatever experiences i could find. I began to write more with female pen-names, and i wanted to know as much as i could about being a woman. I took more Women’s Studies classes and talked to women about their experiences. It was all research, to me.

Sandi identified as bisexual, so we got along extra-well in that respect.

I’m really trying, for once, not to let my sex drive run my life.

Almost every major decision i’ve ever made in my life has been closely related to sex & sexual attraction, and a lot of those decisions have been lousy.

A few of those sexually-driven choices have worked out well — my marriage with Sandi comes foremost to mind, and my friendship with Rabbit — but even those paths were mixed with pain.

I suppose lots of people can say the same thing. Certainly sex has motivated large swathes of human history, and it’s been the driving force of most human stories.

My first book, anomaly, was basically a chronicle of my romantic misadventures, though it started off as an exploration of my suicide attempt.

My jumping off the bridge — at first glance seemed mostly about sex and the difficulties it added to life, which i no longer wanted to be part of.

Sometimes when i think back to why i jumped off the bridge, i know part of it was my deep disappointment in how the pursuit of physics had turned out for me.

All i can do now is interpret the facts i’ve reconstructed and the memories i still have. It’s all confused and muddled with confusing emotions. Some of it was grief over the failed relationship with Sylvie. Some of it was grief over “losing” physics. Some of it was just the dark destructive side of me. Maybe there wasn’t a reason; maybe it just happened.

What have i learned in 35 years, now that my wife has died and i’m all alone again? That i’m generally better off on my own. I like the idea of people, but the reality can be difficult and/or disappointing. No wonder i was so attracted to fiction — ideas, not reality.

I guess i was lucky to have substituted English language studies for math & physics: it’s a better fit.