Love is always a good plot motivator. You can get a character to do basically anything in the name of love; because people do, all the time — they’re that susceptible.

~

What do i do now that sex isn’t my primary motivator? That’s what kept me going all those years. What am i without it? Is there a non-binary me?

~

Now i feel old.

My sex drive is still going strong, but my body can’t keep up anymore. Maybe that’s why i wasn’t afraid to *not* have another lover.

But maybe i can still fall in love. Not naming names yet; it’s too new. (But my friends know.)

The question is: Can love still motivate me to do crazy, inadvisable things? It probably can; it probably will.

I am now, however, a little afraid of the insane things i will willingly do in pursuit of love. Do i push past that fear and keep living? Yes, yes i will.

(Now i just have to work up the courage to talk to my doctor about adding another medication to my prescription list. It’s no fun getting old.)

~

I did not go looking for another happy ending to this book. The happy ending was supposed to be me finding Sandi, getting married, and having some version of a normal life (with the accompanying loss).

But maybe i was selling myself short; maybe there’s another chapter of life to write — an incredible chapter!

(And maybe i can just live this chapter, instead of writing a lot about it.)

I suppose this is what i get for living my life as a story: a surprise ending. Maybe nobody else is surprised but me, and i should have seen this coming.

Maybe i was happy to be done with the story. Life is exhausting, after all. But part of me wasn’t willing to let it go.

Sandi would have wanted me to keep going. She would have wanted me to maximize joy in my remaining years. And she knew that i was already a little insane in my pursuit of life.

Here’s to crazy times!

Sometimes you can write what you want to write; but a lot of the time you write what you have to write. Whatever comes out, comes out.

I am not a very careful writer. I feel something, write it down, and try to move on.

Writing has become a way of me dealing with things, day-to-day. Call it emotional abstraction; call it compartmentalization; call it what you will. It helps.

But then you get to a certain point in your life, and you don’t know what to do anymore. What then?

~

Think about the smell of pencil shavings fresh from a pencil sharpener; now imagine what flavor of ice cream that reminds you of.

[Go ahead, give an AI that command.]

~

What drives you? What motivates you every day to get out of bed and do stuff? What’s your purpose in life — you as an individual — that’s what i’m interested in.

~

Writing is just words. Talking with someone IRL, it’s an exchange of words and emotions and pheromones and physical presence.

~

You can’t solve every problem; you don’t have to try. Some questions don’t have answers; it’s not your fault.

~

Better Off will probably be a more reflective book than anomaly was: more big picture. The tone should be less show-off-y.

The purpose of writing anomaly was for me to find love again, i suppose. And the point of Better Off will be to underscore the importance of having an optimistic interpretation of life (especially after finding new love!).

I have it pretty good, no question.

But it’s easy to want the wrong things, paths that i’ve already traveled or avenues i don’t need to explore. Mostly it’s not giving in to impulsive desires, fleeting nonsense. Do i really need to live near the ocean, or can i just visit occasionally? (Or better yet, just tune into the Salisbury Sunrises YouTube channel on a regular basis.)

Having money again, i have more temptations. So i have to exercise my limited self-control. I can help some of my friends, but not all of them all the time. I can finally buy some things for myself that i might not have otherwise; but i don’t need much.

It’s not so bad being a widower — i go out on just as many dates as i ever did when i was single (that is, almost none). I was never any good at asking people out; i have no idea how i managed to be involved with as many women as i did. I guess it was all the hanging around at cafés that did it. (Which probably also explains why i couldn’t find a serious relationship for so long — that’s not what people who go to cafés are generally looking for; maybe i just wasn’t ready yet, either.)

Seems i have so much to be thankful for, since i’m happily retired and still in good shape health-wise: it should feel like Thanksgiving all year long! Even if i’m alone now, i still feel like the luckiest person on Earth.

And i was truly blessed to have been married to Sandi; it was clearly the high point of my life. Taking care of a person at the end of their journey — that was my purpose; that’s what i was meant to do. I spent my whole life getting ready to be there for her final year. That was the whole point. We gave each other’s lives purpose and meaning.

Everyone in my life, i am better off because of them. Every single thing that’s happened, i am better off because of it. The good and the bad, the easy and the difficult; it was all necessary.

It just took my whole life going by for me to see it.

Thank you.