Love is always a good plot motivator. You can get a character to do basically anything in the name of love; because people do, all the time — they’re that susceptible.

~

What do i do now that sex isn’t my primary motivator? That’s what kept me going all those years. What am i without it? Is there a non-binary me?

~

Now i feel old.

My sex drive is still going strong, but my body can’t keep up anymore. Maybe that’s why i wasn’t afraid to *not* have another lover.

But maybe i can still fall in love. Not naming names yet; it’s too new. (But my friends know.)

The question is: Can love still motivate me to do crazy, inadvisable things? It probably can; it probably will.

I am now, however, a little afraid of the insane things i will willingly do in pursuit of love. Do i push past that fear and keep living? Yes, yes i will.

(Now i just have to work up the courage to talk to my doctor about adding another medication to my prescription list. It’s no fun getting old.)

~

I did not go looking for another happy ending to this book. The happy ending was supposed to be me finding Sandi, getting married, and having some version of a normal life (with the accompanying loss).

But maybe i was selling myself short; maybe there’s another chapter of life to write — an incredible chapter!

(And maybe i can just live this chapter, instead of writing a lot about it.)

I suppose this is what i get for living my life as a story: a surprise ending. Maybe nobody else is surprised but me, and i should have seen this coming.

Maybe i was happy to be done with the story. Life is exhausting, after all. But part of me wasn’t willing to let it go.

Sandi would have wanted me to keep going. She would have wanted me to maximize joy in my remaining years. And she knew that i was already a little insane in my pursuit of life.

Here’s to crazy times!