Sometimes you can write what you want to write; but a lot of the time you write what you have to write. Whatever comes out, comes out.

I am not a very careful writer. I feel something, write it down, and try to move on.

Writing has become a way of me dealing with things, day-to-day. Call it emotional abstraction; call it compartmentalization; call it what you will. It helps.

But then you get to a certain point in your life, and you don’t know what to do anymore. What then?

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Think about the smell of pencil shavings fresh from a pencil sharpener; now imagine what flavor of ice cream that reminds you of.

[Go ahead, give an AI that command.]

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What drives you? What motivates you every day to get out of bed and do stuff? What’s your purpose in life — you as an individual — that’s what i’m interested in.

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Writing is just words. Talking with someone IRL, it’s an exchange of words and emotions and pheromones and physical presence.

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You can’t solve every problem; you don’t have to try. Some questions don’t have answers; it’s not your fault.

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Better Off will probably be a more reflective book than anomaly was: more big picture. The tone should be less show-off-y.

The purpose of writing anomaly was for me to find love again, i suppose. And the point of Better Off will be to underscore the importance of having an optimistic interpretation of life.

I have it pretty good, no question.

But it’s easy to want the wrong things, paths that i’ve already traveled or avenues i don’t need to explore. Mostly it’s not giving in to impulsive desires, fleeting nonsense. Do i really need to live near the ocean, or can i just visit occasionally? (Or better yet, just tune into the Salisbury Sunrises YouTube channel on a regular basis.)

Having money again, i have more temptations. So i have to exercise my limited self-control. I can help some of my friends, but not all of them all the time. I can finally buy some things for myself that i might not have otherwise; but i don’t need much.

It’s not so bad being a widower — i go out on just as many dates as i ever did when i was single (that is, almost none). I was never any good at asking people out; i have no idea how i managed to be involved with as many women as i did. I guess it was all the hanging around at cafés that did it. (Which probably also explains why i couldn’t find a serious relationship for so long — that’s not what people who go to cafés are generally looking for; maybe i just wasn’t ready yet, either.)

Seems i have so much to be thankful for, since i’m happily retired and still in good shape health-wise: it should feel like Thanksgiving all year long! Even if i’m alone now, i still feel like the luckiest person on Earth.

And i was truly blessed to have been married to Sandi; it was clearly the high point of my life. Taking care of a person at the end of their journey — that was my purpose; that’s what i was meant to do. I spent my whole life getting ready to be there for her final year. That was the whole point. We gave each other’s lives purpose and meaning.

Everyone in my life, i am better off because of them. Every single thing that’s happened, i am better off because of it. The good and the bad, the easy and the difficult; it was all necessary.

It just took my whole life going by for me to see it.

Thank you.