I thought I knew about grieving, after the deaths of my parents and then of one sibling; but grieving for a spouse is a whole different story.

My wife died two years ago, and i’m having trouble moving on from it.

I still talk to her in my head, and also out loud sometimes. In a way, she is still alive in my head, in my memory … so it still makes sense for me to talk to her. I’m not looking for a response, but i feel that i should say things. Perhaps that will fade in time. Perhaps not.

Sandi and i had our disagreements and conflicts, like most couples. Sometimes we had fights that got loud and dramatic — we both had dominant personalities, and neither of us was much good at de-escalation — and i have some lingering guilt over those verbal clashes.

I often find myself apologizing to the Sandi in my head for those big arguments. She almost always got over her anger fairly quickly and was ready to make up; but my anger often took more time to dissipate, and i would usually go for a walk until i cooled down.

We were together for 13 years and did not start off arguing. Things got worse between us as her health declined and she had to stop working and go on disability. I slowly learned i was not cut out to be a caretaker — my TBI had significantly diminished my patience and emotional endurance (which was why i’d had a vasectomy at 25 years old; i knew that i would not be able to properly care for a child).

I feel good about having shared a great marriage with Sandi, from a passionate courtship to a lovely wedding, and then years of joy amidst turmoil. When her health declined further and she got a terminal cancer diagnosis, we put our past conflicts aside and focused on checking things off her bucket list in between rounds of radiation, chemotherapy, and immunotherapy.

Sandi had a pretty good last year, considering; we did our best.

So now every day i go on with my life, sometimes with the Sandi-spirit in my head and sometimes without. Most days, i feel good about being on my own; and i’m deeply grateful for all the experiences i got to have.

❤️❤️❤️