My first romantic relationship happened when i was 20 years old, the summer of my sophomore year of college — i was a late bloomer; my first kiss had only been the summer before.

The ending of that first relationship (or rather my reaction to its ending) nearly killed me, literally; but the story of my suicide attempt is for another day.

I spent the rest of my 20s, 30s, & 40s pursuing further relationships, eventually with some success (after many failures). Part of the problem: i was not really a prime candidate for relationships. My TBI (from the suicide attempt) left me permanently on disability and less able to handle the emotional overhead of a long term relationship.

I came close a couple of times, with Amanda in Arizona and with Margot in Massachusetts. But it wasn’t until i got my shit together (in therapy, with the purpose of finding the right relationship) that i went on a dating site and found Sandi. Or rather, i should say, she found me.

Sandi pursued me in July 2011, and we went to dinner after a few chats … and then we fell completely in love with each other. Soon she moved into my apartment, and 6 months after our first date she proposed to me. We were married in April of 2013.

The relationship with Sandi was imperfect, but it probably was as close as i will ever get to perfection. Sandi accepted me, and i did my best to accept her. I accepted her sometimes; i accepted her partially — i could only accepted most of her; i wasn’t capable of accepting everything. I fell short. But Sandi did her best to love me 100%, and i guess that’s enough for my whole life.  It’s more than some people ever get.

In that last year of taking care of her as she died of cancer, i did my best to make up for my shortcomings.

Nobody had ever really loved me before, and maybe nobody ever will again. I’m not looking for a perfect man-woman love anymore; maybe there is no such thing.

It’s more than i have ever gotten before. Yes, she was a better person than I was; but i was finally able to give a lot to someone — to stay with them until the end; to finally succeed at love. It may be my last relationship, but it was a pretty good one. 

Sandi died in November 2024 — 13 years and 3 months after we met.