In this season of Thanksgiving, i am most thankful this year for written words and language — they underlie most of the things i care about and keep me busy through most of my days.

One of the beautiful things about words and language is that people don’t often think about them; they just use them unconsciously and naturally, like the air we breathe.

Admittedly, i was an English major and studied linguistics in grad school; so i’m a little biased. And now I’m beginning to combine my interest in language with my interest in computer science through natural language processing. I have some catching up to do; my computer skills are a little atrophied.

But it gives me something to do, so i’m happy.

And in terms of math/science stuff, I am also thankful for Goldilocks data-sets — not too big and not too small, just right.

Made-up people and made-up problems — that’s comforting to me, especially when “real” life (on the news) is disturbing and my personal life is out to pasture.

I know i didn’t do an MFA in Creative Writing (though i’m still thinking about it), but i do enjoy thinking about plot & character & writing. Abstract humanity is more interesting to me than the real thing most of the time. And a computational approach to nearly anything is pretty much always my preference.

Computational Fiction — that’s what floats my boat, especially during this so-called “AI” craze, which touts a statistical model that is *far* from intelligent.

IRL people are more work than the fictional kind — an idea that seems to be becoming more popular with kids raised by/on smartphones.

Maybe i’m a fictional person myself.

I don’t share everything i want to — i cannot.

Most days i don’t have the courage; most days i’m struggling just to do the minimum.

So i don’t raise my hand; i don’t unmute my microphone on Zoom and share that my wife died a year ago. Part of me wants to, but the part of me that controls my actions stops me.

Like many people, i sabotage my own efforts to move forward; and i guess that i always have. If you know me, you will recognize the truth of this.

So i continue, slowly, as best i can.

I didn’t live up to the Horatio Hornblower ideal of a husband. Sandi was my Maria, and she did love me; but she wasn’t fooled — she knew i only loved her as much as i could.

Maybe real wives don’t expect too much from their husbands; maybe they’re realistic about it, and are just glad if their husbands make a reasonable effort (and don’t fuck things up too badly).

Maybe that’s why Sandi and i were a good match; we were realistic. She was patient with my doubts, we loved each other as best we could, and i was there for her when her health really went to shit. Sandi was already grown up when we met; but in some ways, i was still just a kid.

Youth, however you end up characterizing it (and it will change as you age) doesn’t last long. Middle age is the long one. By the time you realize (and accept) that you’re old, you’ll almost be dead.

My wife, Sandi Mrowka, died one year ago today.

I’m still just at the beginning of the journey of grief.

We had a little more than thirteen years together, 2011 to 2024.

She was a force to be reckoned with — those people she cared about, she really loved; but those people who mistreated her, she cut out of her life with the skill of a surgeon.

Sandi remembered people and the details of their lives with such clarity: the name(s) of their cats (and kids and spouses, etc), the way they wrote & spoke, and most of the words they had ever said to her.

She was a bit of a music savant, identifying artist & title within a few notes of hearing a song; and she knew the backstories of many of them.

I could go on for pages about Sandi, but it hurts too much to write any more right now. She was the love of my life, whether or not i always realized it at the time; and it will probably take thirteen years to heal, even if i never really get over losing her.

❤️❤️❤️

Cancer: it may not define you, but it may come to dominate your life. Do everything you can to complete items on your bucket list; don’t let rounds of chemo keep you from doing what’s important — living every second of life that you can. That’s what Sandi taught me.

“Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship.” ~James Wilson (on House, M.D.)

Things don’t last, so don’t expect them to.

People hear what they want to hear.
And people do what they want to do.

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Platitudes & Clichés — that’s mostly all people say.

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Am i wrong?
Please tell me your individual opinion, about anything!

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(I really am going to have to figure out formatting, huh?)

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