It’s different losing a spouse.

When Sandi and i got married, my father had already died; but my mother was still there to see the ceremony. My mother saw some fragment of how the relationship worked; and when she died five years later, Sandi was there for me.

By the time Sandi’s mother died, the rest of her family had become too toxic for Sandi to tolerate; and i was there for her as best i could.

Losing both parents, plus a brother … it was no preparation at all for losing Sandi. We may not have had the smoothest relationship at times — who does? — but we were there for each other when it counted. I can understand why some people don’t want another spouse after losing one; i’m finished in the relationship game. There’s not enough left of me to try again.

And family … good and bad. Regarding both hers and mine. I do best just thinking of bad family as having died already. Pay them no mind; they’re not worth it.

I’m happy just to have a couple of friends now — or even just one. I never thought it would be this difficult, losing someone. Maybe only thirteen years to go until i start to feel normal again. As if.

What a whiner i am, huh? I certainly don’t fault anyone for coming to that conclusion. Sometimes you don’t know what a part of life is about until it’s over — that’s the lesson, i guess.

Small consolation.