I realize some now why disorder (in our shared space) bothered people in my life so much.

Today i was able to take the time to put up some shelves in the bathroom which i’d been meaning to for a few months. And i could tell right away how much it eased my mind.

I’ve never been great at doing unpleasant things in a timely fashion; maybe nobody is. Now that Sandi is gone, i’m more free to keep my own schedule … but it’s taken me a long time — 9 months — to get back on track with getting things done. (And at this point i’m starting to force myself to get to work.)

Also, with Sandi not here, i feel like i’m maybe ready to actually do something creative again with my life. So I got the website, dsm32.org, to try to force myself to get some writing done.

And i still have a tendency to look back rather than look ahead. Why do i think the answers are in the past and not in the future sitting right here in front of me? Or maybe that’s just in my nature, to introspect, which is why i enjoyed fiction (which is usually written in the past tense) — reading and writing, and also discussing.

Just this morning, I was thinking back to a money question that I faced in 1992. I could’ve either taken Cornell University to court for a monetary settlement about my suicide attempt, or returned and finished my degree. I’m not sure of the actual legal merits of the case, but it could have involved a substantial settlement. And even if I had lost, perhaps it would’ve motivated Cornell to put up nets under the bridges almost twenty years before they eventually did. Having a number of relatively-easy-to-jump-off-of bridges around the campus of a top 1% university is perhaps in advisable, given how competitive the students typically are.

But then my mind began to lead me down a rabbit hole of thinking well what if instead of jumping off the bridge (you idiot) what if you had done something else … become a lawyer instead, say. Don’t get me started.

I don’t need a bunch of money. I need to do something that I will respect myself for.

(I’m also watching Ally McBeal episodes from the ‘90s, and that’s a show which touches on a lot of high-personal-performance issues and makes me think about love again, and how to value it in my life.)

Anyway, let’s see if i can get myself to engage in 2025 once in a while too. (even though i prefer the ‘90s).