Of course i fall back on music from my childhood to deal with my current events; so i inspect Steve Winwood lyrics from the 80s in dealing with a personal problem in 2026. And despite my protestations to the contrary with science and math, i think i turned out to be just a regular old English major. Analyzing text and writing a little about it is my preferred way of dealing with problems.

Steve Winwood’s Back In The High Life should be the theme album, i’ve decided, for this book. Maybe the album seems a lot different, forty years later; but i 100% stand by that choice as i listen to it, song by song.

‘Split Decision’ was the song i wanted to look up the lyrics to, earlier, when trying to figure out how i felt about my friend. But ‘Back In The High Life Again’ really resonates too — it has just the kind of positive & contemplative feeling that i’m looking for.

“While there is time, let’s go out and feel everything …” is just how i feel right now. Maybe that means i’m ready to let myself feel emotions again, gods help us!

Or maybe it’s a reflection of how many (hemp-derived) THC gummies i take these days — the phrase Back In The High Life indicates that not only did i used to get high (illegally), but that i also get high now (legally). My pot-smoking days were actually very few; i bought a half-ounce of some nasty weed that was likely laced with speed or some such (probably to make up for its lack of potency) and a water pipe. Maybe i got high three or four times, with people or alone; one or two hits was all it took to get going with this stuff — boom, boom, boom, … — not a particularly nice high, but everyone has to start somewhere.

The hemp-derived THC gummies are a lot different. Now that i’ve developed some THC tolerance, i can take a (10mg) gummy and take a second an hour later and a third an hour later (or maybe just stop at two) — that keeps me flying for many hours, but not too high; everyone has to work out their own dosing. If instead i took all three gummies at once, then i would get much higher (unpleasantly so, where merely standing up becomes a struggle); but it wouldn’t last nearly as long. I prefer a nice, smooth, & mellow high. To each their own.

Each person deals with life differently — with adversity and with success and with social interactions. Everyone does what they have to to get by in life.

I hope you find things to get through life.

When Trump 2.0 began, many U.S. citizens began to wonder how long it would take to reach a Constitutional Crisis. With the extra-judicial killing of Renee Good, we seemed to have reached that crisis. How long before armed citizens take to the streets to defy rogue ICE actions against innocent citizens? How long until the clash reaches a state of all-out war?

It has become abundantly clear that Trump is no Christian and that he makes zero effort to emulate Jesus — in fact, his followers openly condemn the qualities of mercy and empathy … in a 100% anti-Christian manner & attitude.

What is the solution? Perhaps there is no solution, other than revolt. Unless the rule of law prevails and Trump is no longer POTUS at the end of his term, the United States is in some trouble.

Take the “What-would-Jesus do?” question. Would Jesus work for ICE and shoot people? No, of course not. One could certainly make the argument that no one who works for ICE in the Trump regime could also be a Christian.

I grew up in a very Christian household; i know how Christians are supposed to behave — it doesn’t take a genius to see how far from the teachings of Jesus this administration has moved. Where is the love? Where is the compassion and the mercy? If Jesus encountered ICE agents, they might shoot him too.

Sometime i say something to someone else because i need to hear the words myself.

Maybe people talk because they need to listen.

~

A friend called last night and we talked for a long time — an hour & forty minutes, according to my phone. I first got to know this friend with Sandi; we all met at an apartment complex picnic, where we met her and her husband.

Years went by, and their marriage didn’t last — and it’s difficult for me not to see their relationship as a darker version of ours. Theirs also had a cancer diagnosis & treatment; but instead of bringing them closer together, it led (among other things) to marital alienation. I can’t pretend to understand what went wrong, but it was disheartening to see.

Relationships & marriages: they only work when we want them to work and when we’re willing to put in the time & effort to make them work. I’m certainly no relationship expert, but i’m also not a complete failure. Part of what helped is that i qualified for psychotherapy and had regular sessions from a standout Psy. D. for ten years — that was part of what enabled me to have the relationship in the first place and then also to weather the inevitable storms.

What do we do with adversity in our lives? How do we act? We’re all going to have problems; that’s guaranteed.

Now i’m in a post-marriage and post-therapy stage of life, but it’s still really good to talk with a friend. I don’t know if i’ll have another romantic relationship in my life, but i will definitely still have friends. And i hope that i’m in a better position to help my friends now.

~

If you don’t talk to yourself (or write), then how will you know what you’re thinking?  Or you can talk to somebody else … but unless you say it or write it, then it disappears — it’s gone forever.

Sandi (to me) was Bea Arthur on Golden Girls, the character Dorothy.

20 years ago i would’ve been Blanche, a slut. But now i’m becoming more like the old one, Sophia. Disenchanted.

~

In life there’s always projects you want to do, but that you don’t do because you don’t have infinite time.

Like editing the subtitle files on movies … or even TV shows. Because the subtitles are never 100% accurate. But it’s not worth spending huge amounts of time on minor things. It just doesn’t matter enough to bother. Just let it go.

That’s what life becomes — learning to let go.

~

Pop culture is all about fiction. The people aren’t real. The stories aren’t real. It’s all made up. Everything is designed to sell you on it.

Fiction is the way life is supposed to be, but never is. So take comfort in fiction, because you probably cannot in real life.

The way you think about yourself? That’s probably made-up too, full of somebody else’s tropes and ideas. Give yourself a break.

~

I watched movies with Sandi. That was one of the things we did. It was usually movies about love and romance, Sandi‘s favorite topics. We watched some sci-fi too, and i even knew some Rom-Coms that Sandi didn’t. That was our bonding thing. But i didn’t always choose the best movies. Once i had us watch on the same night, Soylent Green and Blade Runner — not a good combination; but Sandi forgave me. Something like Julie & Julia or Love Actually were better choices.

Sandi was my Julia Child. ❤️

Sandi was my Robin Scherbatski (Cobie Smulders on “How I Met Your Mother”). ❤️

Got in at 1 AM from a big party. Slept till 10 AM. Am watching When Harry Met Sally, an old New Year’s Day tradition. Last year, i watched it with a good friend; this year alone. Very comforting, traditions.

Makes me laugh, When Harry Met Sally. Every time. And cry a little — just a few tears. Echoes of the past. I love the writing. Nora Ephron. Those little red spots some women get on their cheeks after they orgasm — that’s what you can’t fake.

Nora Ephron.
She’d left the story with an ending where Harry & Sally don’t get together at the end.
But in making the movie, the director Rob Reiner meets his future wife and falls in love … so he pushed Ephron to change the ending — at Michele Singer’s prodding.
They both died in 2025.

Sure, i do miss being with someone; but it is easier. And at this point, it’s so unlikely that i’ll ever meet someone again, that i might as well just be content being alone. It’s simpler and more realistic.

Another friend tells me, “Sex is for people in their 20s,” and i tend to agree. Some in my 30s & 40s too, but not so much in my 50s; once.

Sandi and i were great together sometimes; we both loved Rom-Coms. We were lucky … lucky to have found each other, found that magic together, even just the once. It made all the difference.

If only i felt as good about my writing as i do about my romances.

The first year after Sandi’s death was just surviving. The second year will be trying to get my life started again, now that i’m getting used to being on my own again.

The third year in this three-year plan is the year Sandi was dying — year zero, basically; that was hell. And even though i certainly can’t see beyond the coming year, it seems like the curve is headed up.

We had some tough times during our marriage; but we really made that last year count, scheduling trips & concerts around chemo & radiation, with the help of dear friends. Looking back, i really don’t know how we did it … except one day at a time.

I don’t have any advice for people dealing with a terminal cancer diagnosis and the subsequent treatment, other than just keep holding on to each other and keep believing that you can get through it with dignity and love.

And given that i probably won’t be having any more relationships, i’m glad i made the ones i did have count. That is sort of the lesson of my life: prepare to be alone. Some people will not have to deal with that, but for those of us who are alone, it’s both a little terrifying and at the same time comforting.

I was lucky to have had a lot of practice in being alone at the holidays, so i don’t mind it much now. I’ve always got my books & movies & music, so i’m not really alone. And i still have some friends left — and i’m thankful!

2026, here we come.

This book has an obnoxious title on purpose. An ironic title.

Nothing is better off. No one. It’s still the same mess that your most pessimistic self ever thought it would be. There’s no redemption.

Don’t hold your breath, waiting for a happy ending. There isn’t going to be one.

This is as good as it gets. (And it’s not very good.) No surprise. It’s all downhill from here.

I mean, yes we still have to keep living. Keep going from week to week. Do our jobs, consume our consumables. Play out the hand that is dealt us.

We can’t all be Arthur Dent and get to leave earth and go on a wild adventure in the galaxy. We are stuck here.

Humans are past their peak, imho. Society will be going downhill for a while. Maybe until the next revolution. But even that is doubtful.

Nationalism and greed: that’s what we have to look forward to. No more helping each other. The 1% will be fine; good luck to the rest of us.

No wonder people are having kids less.

At least there’s re-runs.

Always start by assuming the worst. If anything less than the worst happens, it’s a positive turn.

I tend to make bad decisions; and i accept full responsibility for that, no excuses. It’s part of who i am, and it does give me something to do — compensating for past mistakes, trying to make things right. 

Maybe we read and write to try to make some sense of the world; and maybe it doesn’t always work that well, but we try.

Lessons that Sandi taught me about graphic design & implementation: work with what you’ve got and do the best job you can. This applies equally well for everything else in life.

The overall message of the book is that it’s not worth it; it’s pointless … life, that is.

There is not going to be some happy ending, some good outcome. It’s always going to end badly. The good guys will not win. It’s not a laugher of a story; it’s a tragedy.

People are already alive. They have to play the game, even though they know it’s gonna be a bad outcome. The best you can hope for is a forfeit, a stalemate.

You don’t have to agree with me; you’re always free to reach your own conclusion. Look at the world around you, and the way things are evolving: what do you think?

You pay your money and you make your choice.

Good luck.

Friendships and romances seldom happen like those in the movie When Harry Met Sally.

Maybe i don’t want the fairytale ending anymore; maybe the friendship part is what i really want — because it’s a lot more reasonable and realistic, and probably the best thing for me at this point.

I’m happy to head into 2026 with a few good friends and no further expectations — that’s just fine with me.

I really enjoyed my time in the romance game; i would not trade it for anything. But now i’m ready for the next stage, the next part of life. Maybe i can actually get some work done, but i doubt it; there’s still so much fun to be had otherwise.

My advice: don’t worry about anything and just enjoy.

Happy Winter Solstice 2025!

Happy New Year 2026!

My first romantic relationship happened when i was 20 years old, the summer of my sophomore year of college — i was a late bloomer; my first kiss had only been the summer before.

The ending of that first relationship (or rather my reaction to its ending) nearly killed me, literally; but the story of my suicide attempt is for another day.

I spent the rest of my 20s, 30s, & 40s pursuing further relationships, eventually with some success (after many failures). Part of the problem: i was not really a prime candidate for relationships. My TBI (from the suicide attempt) left me permanently on disability and less able to handle the emotional overhead of a long term relationship.

I came close a couple of times, with Amanda in Arizona and with Margot in Massachusetts. But it wasn’t until i got my shit together (in therapy, with the purpose of finding the right relationship) that i went on a dating site and found Sandi. Or rather, i should say, she found me.

Sandi pursued me in July 2011, and we went to dinner after a few chats … and then we fell completely in love with each other. Soon she moved into my apartment, and 6 months after our first date she proposed to me. We were married in April of 2013.

The relationship with Sandi was imperfect, but it probably was as close as i will ever get to perfection. Sandi accepted me, and i did my best to accept her. I accepted her sometimes; i accepted her partially — i could only accepted most of her; i wasn’t capable of accepting everything. I fell short. But Sandi did her best to love me 100%, and i guess that’s enough for my whole life.  It’s more than some people ever get.

In that last year of taking care of her as she died of cancer, i did my best to make up for my shortcomings.

Nobody had ever really loved me before, and maybe nobody ever will again. I’m not looking for a perfect man-woman love anymore; maybe there is no such thing.

It’s more than i have ever gotten before. Yes, she was a better person than I was; but i was finally able to give a lot to someone — to stay with them until the end; to finally succeed at love. It may be my last relationship, but it was a pretty good one. 

Sandi died in November 2024 — 13 years and 3 months after we met.