This morning i got a text message from an old friend, and i’m probably going to embarrass her by talking about stuff from the late ‘90s.

My relationship with her was the one that i miss most — or at least i do in memory. That felt like the closest i got to finding The One. We were too young (or at least i was) for proper commitment, but we did have a lot of fun. hi

I was still getting over my time with Rabbit, but that’s another story (and i’ll see if i have the heart to talk about them later). The big takeaway was that my confidence level was at an all time high — Rabbit was the most beautiful person i had ever met, not to mention kind, smart, gentle, and artistic.

In anomaly (2001) i called her Amanda, this friend who texted this morning; and that will do for now. (She was beautiful and intelligent too.)

Amanda told me, soon after we got together, that being with her would “ruin me” for sex with anyone else … and it turns out that she was 100% right.

Sex has never been nearly as good with anyone else. I wish i could have kept up the relationship with Amanda, but it was not to be. For that, i don’t blame her. My own shortcomings in the relationship game were too great. (Plus the age difference.)

Twenty-eight years or so later, i smiled when i saw Amanda’s text come in this morning. Sandi died a year ago. Amanda is still married (happily, as far as i know), and it’s good to hear from her!

My views on relationships have changed over the years. Sure, i miss the passion of youth; but i’m glad to have experienced everything i did. My current romantic prospects may be nil, but i don’t mind; maybe i am relieved.

I used to worry about things a lot — the environment, feminism, politics, et cetera.

Now i don’t worry so much. I don’t have any kids, so i’m not worried about the world for them. Whatever bad stuff is going on right now will certainly work itself out eventually — give it a few million years, and everything will be fine.

Humans are not a big deal to the Earth. The species as we know it now is probably only about 300,000 years old, with roots going back maybe 2 million years. [AI for the numbers]

The Earth is 4.54 billion years old and has had life growing on it for at least 3.5 billion years. [AI for the numbers]

Earth has been habitable for reptiles for approximately 320 million years and for mammals for roughly 225 million years. [AI]

So a couple million years isn’t a big deal to the Earth — less than 1% of the time gone by (for mammals).

And …

The Sun will not go nova because it is not massive enough to explode. In about 5 billion years, it will swell into a red giant, then shrink into a white dwarf, and eventually become a cold, dark black dwarf. [AI]

So we have some time yet; enjoy it while it lasts, humans.

Sometimes i reread the things i’ve written, and i cringe. Writing is mostly getting out the words as fast as you can before your internal editor says “No, don’t say that.” And so when i write things, sometimes i inadvertently hurt people; i don’t mean to.

I’m sorry about the bad language; but when i write now, the words just come out of me. I’m not writing the 19th century English novel; this is me. I’m not writing for college or for high school. I’m writing for me.

Maybe i should’ve written for me all along. Maybe writing for grades corrupted my voice. So if you have to write something for school or work or whatever, don’t be afraid to use your voice. Your voice is one of the only things that’s truly yours. You don’t need to try to sound like somebody else. You sound fine the way you are.

If they didn’t want you writing in your own voice, they would have somebody else do it.

Don’t let people tell you how to talk. Don’t let people tell you how to write.

I have been looking at old journal entries — 30 years old, in fact; i had all these wild ideas about writing computational language stuff in C … but i never did; however, i still can. Maybe now i can do it right. In C++ and Python, maybe, on Unix BSD. I just have to get myself to do the work (and keep doing it).

It’s OK to make mistakes. I own my mistakes; i try to learn from them. And i look forward to making more mistakes in the future, whether with a friend or alone.

Maybe i’ve gotten some perspective (even if it makes me express it in annoying aphorisms); better than nothing.

Accept each day for what it is.

Accept each person for who they are.

Your life will go where it will go.

Don’t fight it; instead, try to enjoy it.

Keep going.

In this season of Thanksgiving, i am most thankful this year for written words and language — they underlie most of the things i care about and keep me busy through most of my days.

One of the beautiful things about words and language is that people don’t often think about them; they just use them unconsciously and naturally, like the air we breathe.

Admittedly, i was an English major and studied linguistics in grad school; so i’m a little biased. And now I’m beginning to combine my interest in language with my interest in computer science through natural language processing. I have some catching up to do; my computer skills are a little atrophied.

But it gives me something to do, so i’m happy.

And in terms of math/science stuff, I am also thankful for Goldilocks data-sets — not too big and not too small, just right.

Made-up people and made-up problems — that’s comforting to me, especially when “real” life (on the news) is disturbing and my personal life is out to pasture.

I know i didn’t do an MFA in Creative Writing (though i’m still thinking about it), but i do enjoy thinking about plot & character & writing. Abstract humanity is more interesting to me than the real thing most of the time. And a computational approach to nearly anything is pretty much always my preference.

Computational Fiction — that’s what floats my boat, especially during this so-called “AI” craze, which touts a statistical model that is *far* from intelligent.

IRL people are more work than the fictional kind — an idea that seems to be becoming more popular with kids raised by/on smartphones.

Maybe i’m a fictional person myself.

I don’t share everything i want to — i cannot.

Most days i don’t have the courage; most days i’m struggling just to do the minimum.

So i don’t raise my hand; i don’t unmute my microphone on Zoom and share that my wife died a year ago. Part of me wants to, but the part of me that controls my actions stops me.

Like many people, i sabotage my own efforts to move forward; and i guess that i always have. If you know me, you will recognize the truth of this.

So i continue, slowly, as best i can.

I didn’t live up to the Horatio Hornblower ideal of a husband. Sandi was my Maria, and she did love me; but she wasn’t fooled — she knew i only loved her as much as i could.

Maybe real wives don’t expect too much from their husbands; maybe they’re realistic about it, and are just glad if their husbands make a reasonable effort (and don’t fuck things up too badly).

Maybe that’s why Sandi and i were a good match; we were realistic. She was patient with my doubts, we loved each other as best we could, and i was there for her when her health really went to shit. Sandi was already grown up when we met; but in some ways, i was still just a kid.

Youth, however you end up characterizing it (and it will change as you age) doesn’t last long. Middle age is the long one. By the time you realize (and accept) that you’re old, you’ll almost be dead.

My wife, Sandi Mrowka, died one year ago today.

I’m still just at the beginning of the journey of grief.

We had a little more than thirteen years together, 2011 to 2024.

She was a force to be reckoned with — those people she cared about, she really loved; but those people who mistreated her, she cut out of her life with the skill of a surgeon.

Sandi remembered people and the details of their lives with such clarity: the name(s) of their cats (and kids and spouses, etc), the way they wrote & spoke, and most of the words they had ever said to her.

She was a bit of a music savant, identifying artist & title within a few notes of hearing a song; and she knew the backstories of many of them.

I could go on for pages about Sandi, but it hurts too much to write any more right now. She was the love of my life, whether or not i always realized it at the time; and it will probably take thirteen years to heal, even if i never really get over losing her.

❤️❤️❤️

Cancer: it may not define you, but it may come to dominate your life. Do everything you can to complete items on your bucket list; don’t let rounds of chemo keep you from doing what’s important — living every second of life that you can. That’s what Sandi taught me.

“Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship.” ~James Wilson (on House, M.D.)

Things don’t last, so don’t expect them to.

People hear what they want to hear.
And people do what they want to do.

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Platitudes & Clichés — that’s mostly all people say.

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Am i wrong?
Please tell me your individual opinion, about anything!

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(I really am going to have to figure out formatting, huh?)

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