When Sandi and i were married, i never found a good way to deal with my underlying anger; i had never gotten over it from my teens and 20s, plus the traumatic brain injury (at 21). And it definitely contributed to Sandi and me having more problems.

Has my anger faded? Some. Maybe it slowly became disappointment and disillusionment with how life turned out. Sadness. I try not to dwell on it.

Normally i stay positive and even friendly; i refuse to give in to bleak thoughts, but my dark side is still there. When i need to (and i’m in control) i can harness it. Not always.

If you ever spent time with me while i was going through some minor adversity, you would probably see me lose my shit — especially if i was tired. I’d yell at a computer voice on the phone. In the past, i might have broken something i value, just because i was frustrated. With the TBI, i lost 90% of my coping skills; that’s why i try to sleep well and avoid bad situations: Because sometimes i cannot handle them.

That’s why i can’t work a job: because i would go off on somebody at work when it was stressful. Let’s face it; jobs are difficult, and that’s why they pay. If it was all sunshine and roses, they wouldn’t need to pay. And it’s embarrassing, not having enough emotional self-control to live a normal life. I tried to pretend i could handle it at different times in the past, but i never could — over & over again.

What’s worse is that the TBI was from a suicide attempt; i brought it on myself, jumping off that bridge. It’s my own damned fault, 100%.

That’s what i have to live with. My salvation is that i have patient friends and family: they accept me.

Thank you for listening.

❤️

“I was young and foolish then.

I feel old and foolish now.”

~ They Might Be Giants