I do not participate.

When i jumped off the bridge in 1991, that was my main message — i didn’t want to play anymore. I was done. But the universe had other plans for me, apparently.

So diminished-capacity me is still here, drinking coffee and hanging around. The new me participates a little, as i can. Expectations (of me) have been properly lowered. My expectations of the world are similarly not extensive.

So i sit alone now at a table at the party, but i’m still smiling. I don’t stay long after my friends leave, but i had to finish my beer.

I am blessed; i am privileged; and i am thankful to quietly remain on the edges of life. I had my fifteen minutes of fame long ago, and then i got to retire.

As long as there are stories to read, videos to watch, and walks to be taken … i will be ok. Pay your money and make your choice; life goes on. The world of information has evolved, and it will continue to evolve.

The years go by, and we go with them. Times change, but people don’t change much. Dreams fade, and hope swindles. Each of us, whoever is left, wakes up each morning and begins again.

For the same reasons i don’t like writing fiction, i often don’t like writing blog entries — interesting stories are usually about people, and i’m really tired of writing about people; i only like people-stuff in small doses.

I mostly like abstractions of people, not so much live experiences with actual people anymore. However, i do have a couple of established friends; and we watch movies or go on walks, or that kind of thing. I see one of them IRL about once a week, and it’s enough.

I go to a Unitarian church once a week too if i can get a ride; that’s *more* than enough group social interaction.

My late wife’s sci-fi group adopted me, and i try to make it to their semi-annual gatherings. In the summer, I can bicycle there; in the winter, i need a ride. (They also hosted an amazing after-wedding party when we were married.)

A goal for me for the future is to take advantage of paid ride services more and give my friends a break driving me.

~

Winter is depressing. It’s not even technically winter yet, and i’m already feeling down. Bad enough that bicycling is a lot less fun on icy roads, but the whole early-sunset thing is enough to make anyone want to hibernate.

How is everyone doing?

For those who dislike the holiday season, i concur.

L’Chaim!

When Sandi and i were married, i never found a good way to deal with my underlying anger; i had never gotten over it from my teens and 20s, plus the traumatic brain injury (at 21). And it definitely contributed to Sandi and me having more problems.

Has my anger faded? Some. Maybe it slowly became disappointment and disillusionment with how life turned out. Sadness. I try not to dwell on it.

Normally i stay positive and even friendly; i refuse to give in to bleak thoughts, but my dark side is still there. When i need to (and i’m in control) i can harness it. Not always.

If you ever spent time with me while i was going through some minor adversity, you would probably see me lose my shit — especially if i was tired. I’d yell at a computer voice on the phone. In the past, i might have broken something i value, just because i was frustrated. With the TBI, i lost 90% of my coping skills; that’s why i try to sleep well and avoid bad situations: Because sometimes i cannot handle them.

That’s why i can’t work a job: because i would go off on somebody at work when it was stressful. Let’s face it; jobs are difficult, and that’s why they pay. If it was all sunshine and roses, they wouldn’t need to pay. And it’s embarrassing, not having enough emotional self-control to live a normal life. I tried to pretend i could handle it at different times in the past, but i never could — over & over again.

What’s worse is that the TBI was from a suicide attempt; i brought it on myself, jumping off that bridge. It’s my own damned fault, 100%.

That’s what i have to live with. My salvation is that i have patient friends and family: they accept me.

Thank you for listening.

❤️

“I was young and foolish then.

I feel old and foolish now.”

~ They Might Be Giants

I never know what a new day is going to bring.

Each day is different. Each day has prizes to be found and hazards to be avoided.

Some days i have the energy to face the day; some days i don’t go out much.

But i can always depend on a little writing to take me somewhere, and i have no idea where i’ll end up when i begin — writing takes on a life of its own; start it up and let it go!

Everyone has their own individual writing process. Some plan. Some wing it. Some combine the two.

I need to learn to convert my enjoyment of writing description into writing action and dialogue. My biggest blessing is not needing to be paid for my efforts.

Who cares? Sometimes i can’t remember. I’m starting to have real problems with my memory; i go to do something and i forget what i was doing before i get to do it, or i forget who i was thinking about. Maybe it’s the THC; maybe i need to cut back a little.

I do like new beginnings; so each day i can generate some enthusiasm for it just being a new one, and i smile.

See you tomorrow!