So it’s been a year, and i finally realize what it is that i really miss about being in a relationship.

I miss being able to say basically *anything* to someone, to share my most intimate thoughts and painful musings; then i got their reaction and i would hear their difficult stuff in return.

I can write a lot of things in my blog, but i try not to share inappropriate things — things i could say to my beloved (and that she was often enthusiastic to hear … the more inappropriate, the better!).

Maybe Sandi didn’t always want to hear my most intimate thoughts, but mostly she did; and she seemed to feel good telling me some of hers. Mutual escape valves, that’s what it felt like; and it mostly kept us from exploding — a way of blowing off steam.

I guess that’s what my writing has become: an emotional escape valve. Maybe it always was. Maybe other people’s too. Perhaps that’s what writing (or talking) was always about!

J. D. Salinger famously wrote “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.”

It is easier not saying anything to IRL people, but just writing things instead. Easier in lots of ways. Maybe i’m learning not to miss it, talking with people.

Who and what do you fantasize about? (And never mind about the ‘whom’ — i know.)

That was the inappropriate subject i alluded to earlier — stuff that i maybe shouldn’t say out loud to the general audience. (Of course i’m drawn to taboo subjects.)

But it’s still a worthwhile topic, i think. Who is it safe for you to fantasize about? Friends, acquaintances, coworkers, celebrities, strangers, people you see at the café, people you see at church, people you make up in your head, et cetera?

Or is no one safe to fantasize about?

And who do you think might fantasize about *you*? Of course you might not want to know, but it’s just a fantasy.

It’s sort of nice being in the post-relationship phase of my life: i can think about these things and have a chuckle.

It’s much more comforting (for me) to fantasize than to pursue another IRL relationship. Reality never lives up to the fantasy, and maybe i don’t have the heart to try again.

[Note: This is one of those subjects that i was initially enthusiastic about, but then later i had doubts; better to just publish it and move on, that’s my thinking.]

I went for a walk this morning to Nara Park to see the sunrise. It’s a beautiful place only a mile or so away — a perfect destination and turnaround point for a daily jaunt through the woods.

Having such opportunities as clean, lovely places to walk and well-maintained bicycle paths to ride on is a true blessing.

My friends help me with things that i cannot easily do on my own — a real community, neighbors & church & friends, though i am often too withdrawn to take full advantage of it.

People who know me are also patient and understanding of my limitations.

The freedom to read and study and live a quiet life is of immense value to me, and i am glad for the reminder to appreciate it.

Thank you.

(Another year goes by.)

After the last episode of Brothers & Sisters, they mention a supposed George Eliot quote:

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

But those words do not appear in any of George Eliot’s published works or letters.

I ask the AI internet, and it spits out:

~ Attributed to George Eliot, with some sources noting it was submitted by a reader in an 1881 publication and later included in lists of Eliot’s sayings.

In 1881 the quotation being traced was printed in “Literary News” as noted previously. The expression was submitted by a reader of the periodical and no source was designated:

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

In 1884 the saying was included in an article about Eliot published in the “Illinois School Journal’. The phrase appeared in a section called “Extracts” that listed twenty quotes attributed to Eliot.⁷

7) 1884 February, Illinois School Journal, General Exercises by Edward Bangs, (Discussion of George Eliot: 1820-1880), Start Page 250, Quote Page 250, Normal, Illinois. (Google Books Full View) link 

The quote sounded good, so people were happy to say it was George Eliot, regardless of whether or not she actually said it.

So i think the Jake quote from the end of The Sun Also Rises is apt.

Parentheticality — my new favorite term, describing how (or how much) a statement is parenthetical in nature (and should therefore be placed in parentheses).

I like parentheses; i always have.

Douglas Adams used parentheses a lot. (And i closely read everything of his i could get my hands on, back in the day.)

Mark Twain despised the use of parentheses (and parenthetical content), preferring a simple and straightforward style; but i can live with that.

George Eliot used them occasionally, i was glad to discover as a newly converted English major in college; and it was her writing that cemented my decision to study the language.

How does one judge the parentheticality of a particular statement? It’s complicated, especially when trying to imbue humor or irony into a text. I guess a writer just develops a feel for it (or does not, as the case may be).

Sure, parentheticality is a somewhat tongue-in-cheek term, mocking academic jargon; but what good is writing without a little fun?

Punctuation has in general declined in use in the “Digital Age”, with the proliferation of emails, text messages, and social media posts. (Or at least that’s how it seems to me.) But that doesn’t worry me. I use punctuation (or not) as i feel like it; i’m happy enough with my writing.

OK, so i’ll admit that sex is not *the* most important thing in relationship. But in my 20s, it sure seemed like it was (or was at least close). I’ll confess: i was a shallow guy.

I was smart enough, but also a bit of a slut. I rated pleasure very high on the list of what i wanted — giving it, and receiving it — and i pursued it unabashedly. Sure, i didn’t know shit; but who did in their twenties?

At least i was finally having some fun and enjoying life; it was about time. I wish i hadn’t made some of the mistakes i made (like cheating on someone — easily my worst moment, and my most regretted); but that’s life — you have to learn to live with the choices you make, good and bad.

I had flings; i had intermittent relationships; i lived with lovers; i had a long term relationship (and got to be a stepfather for a few years); and i even got to be married (and care for my wife as she died). I haven’t done it all; but i’ve done a lot, especially for a diminished-capacity person.

The rehabilitation staff who helped me recover from the severe traumatic brain injury 34 years ago were not sure that i would be able to sustain the complexities of a romantic relationship … but i did OK.

I may never have had much of a job, or a career; but i did have relationships, and for that i am thankful.

❤️❤️❤️

This morning i got a text message from an old friend, and i’m probably going to embarrass her by talking about stuff from the late ‘90s.

My relationship with her was the one that i miss most — or at least i do in memory. That felt like the closest i got to finding The One. We were too young (or at least i was) for proper commitment, but we did have a lot of fun. hi

I was still getting over my time with Rabbit, but that’s another story (and i’ll see if i have the heart to talk about them later). The big takeaway was that my confidence level was at an all time high — Rabbit was the most beautiful person i had ever met, not to mention kind, smart, gentle, and artistic.

In anomaly (2001) i called her Amanda, this friend who texted this morning; and that will do for now. (She was beautiful and intelligent too.)

Amanda told me, soon after we got together, that being with her would “ruin me” for sex with anyone else … and it turns out that she was 100% right.

Sex has never been nearly as good with anyone else. I wish i could have kept up the relationship with Amanda, but it was not to be. For that, i don’t blame her. My own shortcomings in the relationship game were too great. (Plus the age difference.)

Twenty-eight years or so later, i smiled when i saw Amanda’s text come in this morning. Sandi died a year ago. Amanda is still married (happily, as far as i know), and it’s good to hear from her!

My views on relationships have changed over the years. Sure, i miss the passion of youth; but i’m glad to have experienced everything i did. My current romantic prospects may be nil, but i don’t mind; maybe i am relieved.

I used to worry about things a lot — the environment, feminism, politics, et cetera.

Now i don’t worry so much. I don’t have any kids, so i’m not worried about the world for them. Whatever bad stuff is going on right now will certainly work itself out eventually — give it a few million years, and everything will be fine.

Humans are not a big deal to the Earth. The species as we know it now is probably only about 300,000 years old, with roots going back maybe 2 million years. [AI for the numbers]

The Earth is 4.54 billion years old and has had life growing on it for at least 3.5 billion years. [AI for the numbers]

Earth has been habitable for reptiles for approximately 320 million years and for mammals for roughly 225 million years. [AI]

So a couple million years isn’t a big deal to the Earth — less than 1% of the time gone by (for mammals).

And …

The Sun will not go nova because it is not massive enough to explode. In about 5 billion years, it will swell into a red giant, then shrink into a white dwarf, and eventually become a cold, dark black dwarf. [AI]

So we have some time yet; enjoy it while it lasts, humans.

Sometimes i reread the things i’ve written, and i cringe. Writing is mostly getting out the words as fast as you can before your internal editor says “No, don’t say that.” And so when i write things, sometimes i inadvertently hurt people; i don’t mean to.

I’m sorry about the bad language; but when i write now, the words just come out of me. I’m not writing the 19th century English novel; this is me. I’m not writing for college or for high school. I’m writing for me.

Maybe i should’ve written for me all along. Maybe writing for grades corrupted my voice. So if you have to write something for school or work or whatever, don’t be afraid to use your voice. Your voice is one of the only things that’s truly yours. You don’t need to try to sound like somebody else. You sound fine the way you are.

If they didn’t want you writing in your own voice, they would have somebody else do it.

Don’t let people tell you how to talk. Don’t let people tell you how to write.

I have been looking at old journal entries — 30 years old, in fact; i had all these wild ideas about writing computational language stuff in C … but i never did; however, i still can. Maybe now i can do it right. In C++ and Python, maybe, on Unix BSD. I just have to get myself to do the work (and keep doing it).

It’s OK to make mistakes. I own my mistakes; i try to learn from them. And i look forward to making more mistakes in the future, whether with a friend or alone.

Maybe i’ve gotten some perspective (even if it makes me express it in annoying aphorisms); better than nothing.

Accept each day for what it is.

Accept each person for who they are.

Your life will go where it will go.

Don’t fight it; instead, try to enjoy it.

Keep going.