Some seventeen years ago, i hurt someone whom i had been close friends with for about thirteen years.

I made a mistake; i was only a year or so into a new romantic relationship with B, someone i probably should not have been involved with in the first place. R wanted to get together for one last lunch before they moved far away; but this new relationship was in a delicate stage, and i was too afraid to confront the flood of emotions i was sure to feel when i saw R again.

So, like a fool, i told them no for lunch; and i didn’t get to see them.

I guess i was afraid to compare the depth of friendship i had with R to the comparatively shallow new relationship with B — i was trying to stay with B, and not give up too soon.

So i was an idiot, and i let the chance to see my friend slip away. Whatever online contact we’d previously had … it dwindled over time. This was all a long time ago (to me), and i don’t remember things very well to begin with.

A few years later, Sandi sought me out on Match.com and asked me to marry her (after a year or so). She didn’t have a problem with my being friends with R — not like B did — but i didn’t prioritize the friendship with R like i should have.

Again, my fault, my mistake.

The marriage with Sandi went well (or at least as well as it could between two stubborn people), but Sandi’s health started to go downhill. She eventually had to stop working and took Social Security Disability. The doctors couldn’t find a whole lot wrong with her, aside from discovering an autoimmune condition, Sjögren’s syndrome.

Then a few years later the unexplained bleeding started, and we knew it had gotten more serious. (Sandi’s GYN at Lahey Hospital had previously found a large uterine fibroid, but after an MRI, determined it to be benign — they never biopsied the fibroid.) Now, years later, they biopsied her uterus, and the findings were inconclusive.

But Lahey suspected cancer; they were just too timid to begin treatment and only ran more tests. Sandi wanted a second opinion and got one from Emerson Hospital, who took one look at her records and started her on radiation therapy the next day.

Stage 4B uterine cancer, already spread to her lymph nodes and her bones. That was the conclusion.

Rounds of Chemo followed the radiation, and then rounds of Immunotherapy; but it was too late to do anything but make Sandi more comfortable and slow the cancer a little.

Eight months after the diagnosis at Emerson, Sandi died — not before we went to several Ben Folds concerts, a vacation in Maine with friends, and a few other modest celebrations we could manage — including a lovely Samhain ritual on Halloween that our UU church put on, with as many friends as good fit around Sandi’s bed! She died seven days later.

This is when i really began to miss R, grieving for Sandi. In decades past, R had overseen every pagan ritual i had ever been a part of.

Now i begin my quest to reconnect with R. I’m not very good at finding people, but i will do my best.

Let’s see how it goes.

I would not blame R for not wanting to reconnect. Despite my limitations, i did not act very well toward them. Maybe they can forgive me; maybe not.

At least i’m in a better position to help them out a little when they need it. My life has become simpler over the last nine months, and more affordable.

As i look back on the last thirty years, i see how much of an effect R had on my life, especially intellectually. My writing style, for one. My interest in pagan matters, which Sandi shared. The development of my tastes in music, literature, and people. All shaped by my interactions with R. (Even some of my word choice, capitalization, and punctuation is influenced by R.)

Maybe i can earn R’s trust again, make a fresh start.